This weekend I had the opportunity to speak at the Michigan Association for the Foundation of Young Children conference. What an amazing time!
They invited me to come speak on the burning question –
How do you stop these tantrums?
We’ve all been there. The answer is “no” and we just hold our breath. We know what is coming next. The dreaded meltdown. There may be screaming, flopping to the ground, grunting … how it looks may be different; but the embarrassment is the same. No parent wants to be there.
But why…
If we ever are going to stop the tantrums, we need to know why they are doing it. There is no plug and chug strategy. There is no cookie cutter one-size-fits-all solution, there is no black and white answer. They are all individuals, after all. They have their own personality, desires, and ultimately choice on how they respond. We cannot boil something so complex down into a few easy steps.
That’s not to say we cannot respond in an educated way. Today, I’m going to give you a great plan on how to respond when your child is trying to get out of something. They are having a meltdown because they simply do not want to do it.
They don’t want to clean their room.
They don’t want to pack their lunch.
They don’t want to use the bathroom before they leave.
(Goodness gracious, can anybody ask me why that one is such a struggle?)
If they do not want to do something, and are throwing a (fit, temper tantrum, meltdown) because of it. We have a responsibility. Our responsibility is to teach them one valuable thing. Something that will go on to change the way they interact with the world and the control they have on their responses moving forward. Above all we need to be teaching
That behavior no longer meets that need.
We cannot allow them to escape, get out of, or avoid after something they do not prefer after acting in such an inappropriate manner. We must have the last word. If we provide the opportunity to escape unwanted and unpreferred demands when they are inappropriate, we are telling them that their system works. We are rewarding fault. We are teaching them that in order to get what you want – just be louder, more obnoxious, and rude.
I know that we want better.
So, how do we do better? First, we need to modify our expectation immediately if we are not committed. What do I mean by that?
Mom: Time to clean up your blocks
Child: No, I don’t want to
You can see they are getting worked up. A meltdown is on the horizon.
Pause. Now is your chance. Modify your expectation or forever hold your peace.
You can modify and say, “Pick up 5 blocks and put them in the bucket, please.”
Or you can stick it out and keep the expectation of picking up all the blocks.
I recommend that you modify now because there will a time of “waiting it out” that now occurs. You can wait it out for quite some time, so you want to ensure it’s something that is both reasonable and important to you.
Then you pull out the famous, “first/then” statement.
“FIRST (fill in your initial expectation) THEN (what they are asking for)”
“First, pick up your blocks – then we can pull out the trains”
I’d encourage you to see it through. Do not give in. You are eager and willing to help them along, but you cannot reward inappropriate behavior as a means to avoid responsibility. Why? Because it’s our responsibility to teach them that misbehavior will no longer meet that need.
What comes after waiting it out?
If you waited it out, Mama – good for you! Nobody will probably tell you this, but I’m proud of you. You took the longer and harder road, but it benefited them so much more. You taught them a valuable skill.
Teach them how to meet the need better next time
They still need to meet the need to share they dislike something, do not want to engage, or are finished. We just need to teach them how to do this appropriately. This isn’t just a “little kid” thing either. Teens even need help on how to remove themselves from unwanted situations appropriately. This is a skill that we are continuing to build upon.
Did I mention there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution? I sure hope you know that’s true. This can get messy and complicated. You may very easily find you jump in and start trying this thing out and you hit some roadblocks. Don’t fret. Please reach out and let me know how I can help! That’s what I’m here for.
My book has an entire chapter devoted to discipling wisely. It’s such a large part of what we do as mothers. We are almost to book launch day! You’ll be able to have your copy soon enough with all this good stuff and more.
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Want to read more on tantrums? Check out these other posts