Why teach long-term goals?
Let me start by asking you a question.
At what age do you think it’s best to begin teaching your child to set long-term goals?
I should have given you a heads up, that’s a tricky question. I’m also going to let you off the hook because there is no one true answer. Sure, there is some research out there. Some places I looked said that you should start at age 7. Another source by Scholastic said Grades 3-5 is when longer-term thinking should begin. Regardless of the actual age, I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say the earlier the better. Right?
I’m sure nobody out there said age 18 when they begin planning for college, so (I hope) we can all agree that we should be teaching our children how to set and reach long-term goals during childhood. This continues our series on things that we all see as being important, but have a difficult time conceptualizing on how to do practically. If you missed it, you can also read others in this series (TRYING NEW THINGS & MINDFULNESS)
Common pitfalls when teaching long-term goals
Let’s review some common potential pitfalls Mama make when it comes to teaching our children long-term goals.
- We pick the goal for them
Part of the process is choosing the goal. If we tell them what they are working towards, we are removing a huge piece of the long-term goal puzzle. For the creative kid, this will come naturally to them. They already have 500 things they want to try. For the self-determined kid, this will be easy. They already are curious as to what they can accomplish and have the mental stamina to focus for longer-periods of time. For the kid that is neither naturally and intrinsically creative or determined, this very well may be the most difficult step for them. A step worth spending time on.
It is also important that the child set the goal themselves, because it is going to be very difficult for them to have the motivation to reach a goal someone else set. It will simply become a chore for them to complete. It will lack luster, and ultimately turn into a fight. It would be the equivalent of a work deadline. No fun for anybody.
2. We tell them how to reach the goal
This, once again, is part of the process. We want them to be independent in the process of long-term goal achievement during childhood, because now is the time when it’s okay that they fail. You see, failing is what leads to learning opportunities, which will help grow their ability for long-term goal achievement in their future. We tend to micromanage and not allow our child to experience defeat or failure. They can then easily grow up thinking they have skills they actually do not possess. This can be a difficult lesson to learn in adulthood.
5 ways to teach long-term goals
Now that we know what NOT to do, let’s talk about what we SHOULD be doing.
- LET THEM PICK
Allow your child to choose their long-term goal. It will depend on their age what long-term actually means for them. It could mean a week, or it could be something that takes up to 3 months to accomplish. It really just depends on your child’s ability to focus and cope with delayed gratification. If they chose a long-term goal that is unrealistic, you can always help them find something with the same meaning but that is more doable. For example, if they say they want to be president, you can find a community service project to do (if their reasoning was to help their community) NEVER tell them they can’t do something, instead, just break it down a few steps for them. - MAKE IT POSITIVE
Phrase the goal into something they want to accomplish, rather than something they want to stop. It can have the same meaning, but instead of saying, “stop watching TV after school”, the goal could be something like, “do a non-screen activity after school.” Interesting side note – adults tend to write negative goals, where kids naturally focus on what they want to accomplish. Adults tends to think of betterment as needing to remove something in them that’s “bad” where children view betterment as accomplishment. You tell me, who do you think has the better outlook? Pretty neat. - LEARN THEIR “WHY”
Have them attach value to the long-term goal. Talk to them about why they chose that particular goal, and why it’s important to them. When you praise them for completing the small steps to get there, always encourage this reason over completing the actual step. For example, if their long-term goal is to learn all their neighbor’s names so that they can be kind, whenever they learn someone else’s name – praise them for being kind (instead of “good job on learning another name”) - ALLOW AUTONOMY
Give them the autonomy to decide how they achieve the goal. This may mean allowing them to do something that is not necessarily the best route to get the job done. For example, if their long-term goal was to make a new friend so they could have more play dates, it would make sense not to play with the kids they already know when they go to the park. That would be a great opportunity to meet new friends. While you can remind them of their goal, and present the opportunity, ultimately allow them to take it from there to decide how to respond. - TRACK PROGRESS
Show them the progress they have made! This one is huge for kids to learn how to set and achieve long-term goals. You can break the long-term goal down for them into smaller steps, and recognize and show them the progress they are making along the way. This will keep them motivated, and keep you out of nagging seat. This will keep it an experience that will be fun, and allow you the opportunity to be the motivator and encourager. Mamas, don’t we all need more opportunities to do that?
No prizes, please
A side note- the “prize” should be the completed goal. Do not add additional prizes or rewards for them upon completion. This will be indirectly be sending the message that what they were working towards was not enough. If they are working towards something (like our FREEBIES CHORE CHART) specifically to earn something (a prize) then I wouldn’t classify that as a long-term goal. That is more delayed gratification and learning the value of hard work (as to replicate a job) Chore charts are actually a great place to build the skills needed to set long-term goals. You can start here, or even have a chore chart going in tandem with the long-term goal. Just know, that they are different.
If they set a long-term goal, the actual goal is the prize. That could be a feeling of accomplishment, the new friend they made, or the thing they collected. If they are earning a prize in the end, that is a chore chart or a job. Be sure not to mix these two concepts up.
It’s planning time
Once again, knowing this is a great skill to teach, and actually doing it, are two very different things. The practicality behind this skill is where most Mamas struggle. Don’t miss this FREE LONG-TERM GOAL PLANNER for kids. I personally like to hang this on the fridge or somewhere visual. Start with a goal that will take them about a week to complete, and you can move up from there in complexity. You can even fill one out for yourself! What better way to show the value of goal setting? What better way to work towards something together? This also provides them the opportunity to encourage you, and I guarantee they will love it! It teaching them humility in that even Mama has long-term goals, and I too am not perfect.
Also, if you haven’t yet subscribed, you can do so RIGHT HERE and I’ll be sure to send you over the MAMA LIFE PLANNER that I use. It’s a perfect way to keep all of your “to do lists” in one place to make sure you are working towards your goals. Life is busy, and this planer seriously helps me get through my week!
References:
Sheldon, K. M. (2002). The self-concordance model of healthy goal-striving: When personal goals correctly represent the person. Handbook of self-determination research, 65-86
Sheldon, K. M., & Houser-Marko, L. (2001). Self-concordance, goal attainment, and the pursuit of happiness: Can there be an upward spiral. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(1), 152
“The Age-by-Age Guide to Teaching Kids Time Management.” Scholastic
https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/parent-child/teach-kids-to-manage-time.html.