There is probably nothing more frustrating when a child chooses the wrong way. The older they get, the probably more frustrating it becomes. I mean, we’ve been down that road before. We know it doesn’t work out in the end. However, we are “out of touch” and this is the “new thing” and we don’t have the credibility to speak into their life apparently.
Our response could easily be to gain control. This is called the classic power struggle. This occurs when child says A and parent says B. They are at odds with one another and neither one is backing down. This will usually end up in yelling. The conversation will most likely sound like, “Yes you will” and “No I won’t”. There will never be winner. Nobody wins in a power struggle.
I mean, we know why kids do it. Why do parents, though? I would say 9 out of 10 times, it’s an emotional response. There is something emotional going on within the parent that is causing them to attempt to gain control – and at all costs. I mean, deep down they know they are not going to win this standoff, but they sure will try. They are usually emotional that they are losing control. They are scared of the effects of the child’s choice. They are stressed that what they have done up to this point hasn’t been effective. They are burnt out and reached their threshold of worry. They are feeling emotional in some capacity, and so regardless of how illogical it sounds to argue and battle for power with their child – they do it anyway.
What sort of arguments are we talking here? These are arguments where they should have the ability to make their own decision even if it is different than what you’d wish for them to choose. These are not decisions that they are not qualified or capable of making. Sound pretty grey? That’s why I broke it down into common areas that we should let go of control. These are 8 areas that they can make their own choice on, even if we may not like it. Disclaimer – this is super difficult!
- Picking their own friends
- Sharing how they feel
- Making requests
- Saying, “No”
- Asking questions for further clarification
- Having autonomy over things that are their own
- Their own opinion and beliefs
- Access to alternatives and choices
For some of you, this list makes sense. Others of you cringed on a few of them. I do not want to sugar coat this, it is not easy. It’s very difficult to let go of control, especially when you do not agree with their choices.
Why are these 8 areas so important for my child to decide on their own anyway?
Allowing them choice now allows for responsible adults later
I really love working with college-aged people. I mean, I used to think that I was pretty much one of them still, until I started working with them. I then quickly realized how old I actually am! Ha, I still enjoy it though. They keep me young. What is interesting though is that typically when I meet someone who is in college, I can quickly determine how much responsibility they were given growing up. There is usually quite the divide. There are the students who are rocking college life and adjusting well, and then there are the students who call Mom 5 times a day, are still on their bank roll, and needs a crash course on life. What were the difference in their parents? Did one love them more? Did one do a better job? No, absolutely not. I guarantee a key part is that their approaches were different.
Sometimes our well-meaning Mama selves overcompensate for our kids. We want to help, especially as they age, and so we step in to make choices for them that they really should be making for themselves. Choice making is a skill that needs to be practiced, and trust me on this one – you want them to practice it when they are young and the consequences are a lot less life-altering.
Allowing them choice allows them to learn about consequences
That brings me to the next major reason why choice is so important. Choice is so valuable, because it is their roadmap to the world around them. Everyone loves the choice part, but it’s the consequence part that is so valuable for them to learn. I’m using consequence in both the good and bad sense. When I make a friend that is kind and responsible, I reap the consequence of also being challenge on my schoolwork and being encouraged to do better. When I make a friend that gets into trouble, I reap the consequence of sometimes taking fault for things I didn’t do as a result with being with the wrong crowd. Consequences are things that are not learned through verbal explanation. They are only learned through experience. You cannot teach your child about the world, to some degree, they need to experience it.
Allowing them choice allows for individuality
We need to remember we are not raising ourselves. If you have multiple children, you are not raising the same person X 3. They are all unique, different, and an individual all of their own. Allowing them to feel valued despite making different choices than you or their siblings would makes a lasting impact on their growth. It shows that you love and respect them enough to be who they are. You are still absolutely there to teach them the right way, correct them when wrong, and provide a fitting consequence to those wrong choices. However, that is a different relationship than the controlling one. The one where you force them to do everything you say without the right for it to be a conversation to some extent. A relationship is a two-sided engagement. If we take away their voice, there is no longer a relationship.
My favorite phrases are …
You have the right to make that choice, but you will also have to deal with the consequence that follows
I don’t mind that you feel that way, but you need to say it respectfully
I really don’t think that is a wise choice, but at the end of the day it’s yours to make
Practically, this is tough stuff!
In theory, this sounds A-okay. In the real-world, this can be challenging. Just last night at dinner Drake told me that my dinner was horrible. Okay, maybe he didn’t say it like that. He basically said it was bad. I had an emotional reaction, because my feelings were hurt. I was also disappointed in myself. The dinner actually was pretty bad. I didn’t go grocery shopping so I put a hodge-podge of leftovers together. My response? “You need to be grateful!” Now should he be grateful for the food I give him? Yes, absolutely. However, should he have the right to say he doesn’t like it? As long as it was respectful – I believe so.
How about you? Look into some of your interactions this week and see how much control you seek. Are you children able to be honest and open, or are you diving into losing power struggles?
Okay, I’m off to go grocery shopping!!