I confess, I am the ultimate back-seat driver. For me, it’s the lack of control. I can’t stop the car. I do not have the ability to go a different way, or pick the speed in which we travel. Sure, I can give input, but ultimately, I am not controlling the car. The driver is the one who holds the control.
This concept can be applied to the people in our lives, even those closest to us. You can absolutely give advice, direct, train and help those people along. Ultimately though, it is their choice. We are not in control of them. They get to decide. We can have influence, but we cannot control.
What we can control
When we say we cannot control people, that includes what other people say, do, believe, think or feel. We are not powerless, though. That is because we do have control over ourselves. We have control over how we respond, the way we think about a situation, our core values, and how we treat people in addition to a slew of other liberties. These are ours to decide. When I counsel people who feel wronged, I share that you cannot control what they did, but you can control how to respond. That is all you. Your response may be to address it, walk away, put up a boundary moving forward, or turn the other cheek. Ultimately, you can have assurance knowing you had that choice. You have the choice of response.
Anxiety and control
A source of anxiety can often be found when we focus on things we cannot control, rather than what we can. When we focus on what we can’t control, we focus on changing what is out of our lane. It’s a losing battle that leads to feelings of frustration, anger, bitterness, and often times anxiety. Some examples include:
You are upset they are living a certain way and won’t listen to your advice.
You cannot stand that they hold that particular belief and flaunt it when you are around.
You feel outraged that they would feel you did that, and they won’t accept your apology.
Now, it’s completely natural to be upset about some of those things. These are real potential hurts, and depending on the relationship you have with this person, you could benefit from some counseling and consult on how to address it moving forward. That is the key, though. Seeking counsel on how you can address it. Notice I didn’t say how they can change. Anxiety in this area will dissipate when we relinquish control and recognize we cannot change people. That work is for God alone. We can plant the seeds, we can make amends, we absolutely should do our part – but ultimately it is God that does the changing.
Control in Motherhood
This especially applies to us as Mama, because while we may recognize we cannot change others, we somehow exempt our children from this rule. We think we can control them. If we discipline more. If we explain better. If we have more quality time. Yet, at the end of the day – you are still just influencing and directing. You are guiding them. You are not changing them.
This concept is so important to differentiate. When we recognize we are not the ones changing our kids, we can actually take a deep breath. That pressure it gone. We are just called to be obedient, and that is good news, Mama. We can trust that God will work the rest out. If you are feeling powerless to change your kids, that is probably because it is a burden you were not meant to bear.
It also removes our pride when we think we did change our kids. We can now move away from taking credit. We can be proud of ourselves that we are dedicated and give motherhood all that we’ve got. We can do this with a humble spirit though, knowing that God did the work through us. We were never alone. We are not the hero.
Teaching our kids
This is a difficult topic, and it’s also a great thing to begin to teach our kids. Learning from an early age the difference between things they can and can’t control will set them up for a lifetime of healthy expectations. This allows them to set boundaries, be confident in themselves, and surround themselves with a good inner circle of people when they recognize their ability to choose and let go of what they can’t.
My favorite way to teach this concept is by providing them flashcards with different statements on them (i.e. other’s feelings, my thoughts, etc.) I then have them sort the flashcards by putting them either in the “in my control” inner circle or the “not in my control” outer circle. I have included this free resource just for you! I ran this activity with my oldest and it was such a beneficial conversation. He caught on a lot quicker than I thought he would! We so often shy away from these tough conversations because we do not think they are ready, but in all actuality, they may surprise you. I’d encourage you to print these out and try it with your kiddos. Some of them are tricky, as some of them are up for discussion. There’s no answer key – I’d love for you to begin to have conversation and see where you end up.
Foundational Skill
Understanding this simple concept of what we can control sets us up to successfully embrace the world around us. We know we live in a fallen world. We will encounter, along with our children, that things are not always as they should be. When we focus on these things that we can’t control, this will always lead to anxiety, bitterness, and anger. Consequently, having a clear knowledge of what is and isn’t for us to decide is a foundational skill that will equip for long-lasting joy and life fulfilment.
