Our minds are tricky and powerful things. You can technically think any way you’d like and it would remain a secret. We refer to these as private events. Everything that passes through your mind is really between just you and the Lord. In due time though, you will almost always act on those thoughts. It will eventually surface in the words you say, the things you do, and the way you respond and interact with others.
Children are really no different. They too have private happenings, of both significant and insignificant concepts, that we do not see. However, with children, they often do not have the same level of filter that we adults have. That is why we can typically tell what they are thinking easier than we could predict maybe our husband’s thoughts. Sure, you know them both the same, yet your child will leave a lot more clues in their words, actions, and responses.
In my upcoming book, Every Mama’s Prayer, I touch on the power and need of being intentional on having depth-filled conversation with your child on the thoughts they have. Just because they leave us many clues, there are still parts of them they keep concealed in their mind, that we are not always included on. To some degree, that is healthy and actually encouraged. We shouldn’t share absolutely every thought we engage in. Consequently, learning thinking patterns are different. If your child develops a negative thinking pattern, this is absolutely something worth a conversation.
All or Nothing Thinking
I wanted to highlight today an unhealthy thinking pattern that I see many children develop. This is the pattern of All or Nothing thinking. This type of thinking pattern rides the highs and lows. They live in both extremes. This is age-appropriate for a two-year-old, but as they age, they should be outgrowing these emotional extremes. They should be able to develop more self-regulatory skills to cope and recognize the many grey areas of life.
All or nothing thinking views most circumstances they encounter as either amazing or awful. There is no middle ground for them. They are the best or the worst. They are the winner or the loser. They are smart or dumb. There is no grey in their world.
One of the major concerns with this type of thinking pattern is that it often leads to avoidance. They will no longer find joy in attempting new things or joining in on activities in order to avoid these strong emotional reactions that are brought on by thinking this way. They often fear failure so much so that it’s crippling. Typically, they are not failing, but since they were not the absolute best, they see it as a fail.
If avoidance behaviors are not addressed, this can also lead to depression. The thinking trap allows them to chalk themselves up as a “failure” so many times that it will be deeply engrained in their perception of themself. They are always keeping score on their performance in life, and ultimately, it’s a losing battle.
Solution Time
As Mama, you can help your child both prevent and overcome this negative thinking pattern of All or Nothing thinking. I would encourage the following
- Self-reflection
As with any behavioral or mental health concern we see in our child, we must first be honest and open with ourselves. Do my husband or I engage in All or Nothing thinking patterns? Children are sponges, and they are learning how to navigate this world based on your example. If you struggle in this area, chances are, they are following your lead on this. Breathe, it’s ok. We all have our struggles. If this is you, I’d encourage you talk to someone. Both you and your child would benefit. - Teach them to identify it
It is going to be impossible to stop something they do not know they are doing. There are lots of activities and methods that you can engage in to begin having them recognize their thoughts. The key here is to pause, and have then identify their thoughts with a trusted adult. Sometimes the thoughts will be about nothing of significance. Yet, if you do this regularly, you’ll find it’s helpful to learn what is really happening inside their noggin, while also teaching them how to be cognizant of their thought life. - Avoid the avoidance
It is super important you do not allow your child to avoid activities that they will not win or succeed in. Failure is just as important as winning. It hurts our Mama hearts, but it is a part of their emotional development. They do not have to continually engage in things they are not good at or do not enjoy, but they have to at least try and avoid quitting. (If you want more on this, see my post on self-acceptance)
Can I help?
If you or your child struggle with All or Nothing thinking, there is hope! Implement these strategies, and if you need some additional support, I’d be happy to listen and design a specific plan for you and your child to overcome this thinking pattern. REACH OUT today!
References:
Carucci, Ashley. “All-or-Nothing Thinking: Examples, Effects, and How to Manage.” Psych Central, Psych Central, 22 Aug. 2022, https://psychcentral.com/health/all-or-nothing-thinking-examples.
Ku, Kelly Y.L. “Assessing Students’ Critical Thinking Performance: Urging for Measurements Using Multi-Response Format.” Thinking Skills and Creativity, vol. 4, no. 1, 2009, pp. 70–76., https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tsc.2009.02.001.
Matthys, Walter, and Dennis J. Schutter. “Improving Our Understanding of Impaired Social Problem-Solving in Children and Adolescents with Conduct Problems: Implications for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, vol. 25, no. 3, 2022, pp. 552–572., https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-021-00376-y.