Bribes

Is it bribing? 

Early in my behavior analysis career, I was working with a client who struggled with dropping to the floor when it was time to leave. Transitioning from one environment to the next was difficult for him, and I was there to help him stand up and continue on with his day. I’ll never forget this one day. I was on my knees at his level and I provided him a choice. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t remember what the choice was, but it was most certainty a choice. What I’ll never forget though was when someone who was there helping commented, “Ah, so the plan is to bribe him.” 

My head whipped around quite quickly. Um, no! I couldn’t get my rebuttal out quick enough. I shape behavior, I don’t bribe. This really stuck with me for years to come. Was I really in the business of bribing? I almost haunted me. I was confident that I wasn’t bribing my clients, but I didn’t have the words to explain why it wasn’t bribing if that makes sense? I just couldn’t articulate it, but I knew I had to. It would be a year or so later that I was in a continuing education class with one of my favorite professors. She began talking about bribing, and she finally gave me words to match what I was feeling. 

Helping change someone’s behavior (with consent) and (for THIER benefit) is called behavior shaping, however changing someone’s behavior (without consent) and (for your OWN benefit) is called a bribe. 

Why we bribe

I couldn’t write it down quick enough! Those were the words I needed to hear! As Mama, we have the consent part down. We are their guardian, and we have the consent, and responsibility, to provide a good foundation. What we may fall victim to though is shaping their behavior for OUR benefit. I’ve done quite a bit of research in this area. It’s probably because I feel most convicted when it comes to this. Ultimately, we cannot make our children do anything. You cannot make anybody do anything for that matter. As their Mama though, we have a profound impact on shaping their actions. We have a great power and responsibility that influences how they respond and interact with the world around them. 

If you are self-reflecting and thinking that you may fall victim to bribing your children, chances are you fall into one of these two categories. 

Reason # 1 I feel overwhelmed, and I often ask them to change things that are not wrong, simply because I find them annoying, embarrassing, or am feeling stressed myself. 

Reason #2 The things I’m asking them to stop are actually wrong (not just a preference of mine) but my children do not listen to me, so I must resort to bribing. 

Let’s go through these reasons together and get a double-dose of hope! 

Reason # 1 I’m Overwhelmed 

Despite all my best efforts to be positive, I too can get caught up in the trap of being nit-picky. The only thing I see is the thing that I don’t like them doing. I see the things that I wouldn’t prefer. I get annoyed and frustrated, and in response start shooting out orders to, “STOP.” When I find myself in this place, here are some questions I like to ask: 

• I know I can shape this behavior, but should I?
• Is this something that I’m fixing because I don’t like it, or because it’s actually wrong? 
• Do I really need to address this, or is it something I can just let go?
• Am I taking away their voice and inserting my own personality and preferences?
• At the end of the day, is this really a big deal? 

We are not called to replicate ourselves. Just as a masterpiece would lose what makes it spectacular if there were two exactly the same, God is shaping each of us into what He calls us to uniquely become. He is using you Mama, to help mold them to be used by Him. Don’t create yourself, but shape them to be the best version of them. 

O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Reason # 2 They don’t listen to me 

Know you are not alone, and that every Mama goes through seasons where their children are not listening. When backed into a corner, your love for them to do and be good override the logic of bribes. Before you know it, “if you do this you can get a toy” just comes shooting out of your mouth. I’m going to give you 4 simple alternatives to bribes today, however if you find you’ve reached the bribe stage – chances are a problem has ensued. Undoing bribe-making can be an uphill and difficult battle. I won’t sugar coat that. If you ever need some extra assistance, PLEASE CONTACT ME, and I’d be happy to join you on the battlefield. 

Option a: Provide a choice. “You can do (this option) that requires you to stop this behavior OR you have (this option) to continue the bad behavior and this consequence will follow” 

Option b: Invite help. “I would really appreciate your help on this. The things I need help are to cut the ribbon, wrap it around the box, and put it in the car. Would you like to help Mama with any of those steps? Or can you think of anything else I’m forgetting?”

Option c: Acknowledge perspective. “I know this isn’t your favorite. I’m sure this makes you feel frustrated that you have to do this. I’ll be here with you though, and if you want to talk about it I’m ready to listen.”

Option d: Natural Consequences. “Since you didn’t get into the car when I asked you, we are now late. Since we are late, we can no longer stop to get a donut.” 

Did you like these alternatives? Print them RIGHT HERE! 

The true danger of a bribe 

Ladies, please do not miss this. We cannot afford to bribe our children. There are evil people in this world. They want to take advantage of our children, and they often do so in the context of a bribe. Do not miss this!!! 

• I will give you (blank) if you do not tell. 
• If you do (blank) for me then I will do (blank) for you. 

These bribes have been the centerpiece of abuse for centuries. I know this is hard to hear, but it needs to be said. 

If you model bribes in your home, they will not be able to pick up on a bribe from someone dangerous! 

There is a MUCH better way to parent. The ends do not justify the means. What I mean by that is it is NOT worth getting them to do that “good thing” if you are using bribes as your main process to get there. It can be damaging to their idea of healthy and safe relationships.  

I know this is hard 

I’ve work with parents who bribe because they felt they had no alternative. I’ve worked with parents who grew up being bribed, and they know no other way. Know you have a choice. While the road to change may be difficult, you too can change your behavior and choose not to bribe any longer. Let me know if this is something you struggle with. There is a contact me button on the home page where you can email me. I’d love to join you in prayer as you embark on this change.