Getting Attention

“They are just doing that for attention.” Have you heard that before? It’s true, people do things for attention. Kids are not the exception. You’ll often see kids acting in ways that are undesirable for the attention that it brings them. 

Attention Cycle 

Attention can come in the form of negative or positive. Attention really is attention. So, whether you are paying them a compliment or yelling at them to stop – both are considered attention. When we reflect on our compliment to yelling ratio however, I’m sure you’ll be with me in that I tell them to “stop” more than “you did a great job.” Our kids pick up on this, too. 

Often times we see the cycle develop where the child is purposefully beginning to do things they shouldn’t because they know it will bring faster and more predictable results to gain your attention rather than doing the right thing. After all, when they are playing nice with their siblings, sharing their toys, or doing what they are told – its often times ignored or just expected. However, when they hit, scream or push someone – that is a guarantee Mama moment. They can almost bet that you’ll come running. So, who is the smart one in this game? I think the child walks away the winner. 

In order to break this cycle, we need to start being intentional in recognizing the positive. If we can give a full week of noticing all the good that they do, it will most certainly make a difference. However, the difference will only be maximized if we also ignore the things that I call junk behavior. These are things that can be ignored. They are not dangerous, are just done for your attention, and in the grand scheme of things will not matter. To determine junk behavior I often ask myself, “Will this matter tomorrow?” If the answer is no, it’s junk behavior. 

Teachable Moments

Just because it’s junk behavior, doesn’t mean it all should be ignored though, either. Our child has the ability to process about two “teachable moments” per day on average. I’d consider a teachable moment an incident where you showed them a wrong, and explained the rationale as to why they shouldn’t engage in that behavior any longer. Ideally, you’ll also come up with something they should do instead if placed in that situation again. While common sense to us, it’s higher-level thinking for them. I’d encourage you to pick your battles, and find the thing you really want to be a teachable moment that day. Then, if it’s not dangerous, see if you can just let the other stuff go. Instead, focus on all of the positive things they did that day. 

Doing this allows them to begin to break the cycle. They begin to learn that attention guarantee is when they are being appropriate. The cycle ends where you come running at the first sign of misbehavior. However, it also doesn’t stop the correction process in having those teachable moments. It’s just more intentional as to when you do them. 

Appropriate Attention

Getting attention isn’t bad. It has a really bad rap, and it shouldn’t. As adults we know how to access attention appropriately whenever we want it. When we want interaction we send a friend a text, we scroll social media, we share a post, or we buy a gift for someone. We engage in a behavior that would replicate the other’s attention in a socially appropriate way. Some children simply do not understand this yet. Children are all about easy. If getting your attention is easier when they misbehave, then that is what they will do. It doesn’t make them a bad person. They are just simply accessing the same attention need that we have, they are just doing it in the wrong way. 

When we come at it from that perspective, it allows us to provide a lot more grace. It lessens our tempers, and allows us to truly see it for the teachable moment that it is. 

Giving Grace

Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9 

In the context of motherhood, I think we can learn a lot from this verse. I believe “doing good” is being the Mama who goes the extra mile. It’s the Mama who is encouraging to her children even when it’s difficult. She focuses on discipleship and growth even when she can’t see beyond next week. In essence, it’s selflessness. When we are that kind of Mama, I believe that the harvest we reap is grace ourselves. We too will be welcomed by the King of Kings who was selfless for our benefit.

Don’t give up, Mama. You may have an attention-seeker on your hands, but let’s remember grace. We, too, want attention. We just have the skills to do it better. Let’s focus on our two teachable moments, and let the rest go. The more we focus on the good, the more appropriate behavior you’ll begin to see. Below, you’ll find some appropriate ways to teach attention seeking.

Putting these tips into practice works for most kiddos. Like everything we discuss, it’s is not a one-size-fits-all plan. If you find you are needing more, I’m always here to help. You can reach out to me today for a specific plan to turn things around. 

References: 

Bell, Marlesha C., and Tara A. Fahmie. “Functional Analysis Screening for Multiple Topographies of Problem Behavior.” Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, vol. 51, no. 3, 2018, pp. 528–537., https://doi.org/10.1002/jaba.462. 

Fahmie, Tara A., et al. “Topographies and Functions of Emerging Problem Behavior and Appropriate Requests in Neurotypical Preschoolers.” Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, vol. 53, no. 4, 2020, pp. 2199–2214., https://doi.org/10.1002/jaba.741.