While unfortunate, I don’t think it’s a secret that behavior struggles and disorders in children are on the rise. There’s many people claiming to know the source. Some people say it is because of the trauma and lost opportunities due to COVID, others say it’s increased screen time, and yet another professional will insist it’s environmental (due to our food and pollution, etc.) I mean, I personally think it’s probably a combination of all of those things, really. It’s pretty difficult to tell.
One thing is very clear though, and that is the effects of early intervention. What I mean by that is that the sooner we intervene to help out an issue, the easier it is to be corrected. I see that the quicker we intervene, the therapy is cheaper, shorter, less stressful, and yields greater results. That’s why I always encourage parents to reach out for help at the first signs that there may be an issue. That’s why I’m so passionate about what I’m during currently with PARENT CONSULTING where we treat minor problems before they become big problems. By intervening early, we may avoid an anxiety disorder, behavior plan, or higher-level interventions down the road. (Are you new to the blog, and want to learn more about parent consulting? CLICK HERE to get started!)
The Sweet Spot
I like to intervene in what I call the “sweet spot”. This is typically the time when interventions work the best. Research sometimes calls this “early onset”, and they say that is between the ages of 3-8. This is the age-range when a child typically learns to correct unwanted behavior best. If we can get it before age 8, it’s going to be an easier road. Now, that’s not to say that after age 8 it’s a lost cause by any means. I’ve done most of my work actually with children who are over 8 years old. I just like to prepare parents that it may take a little longer. The longer they’ve been doing something, the longer it’s going to take them to undo that thing.
The Research
Today I wanted to share with you a recent study that was published in August 2021, which talks about addressing behavior concerns during this “early onset” time. They focused on changing the mother’s emotional response. They worked on first helping Mom identify her emotions. They then found ways to help them respond calmly despite their emotion. When the mother was able to learn to put her emotion aside, and respond in a calmer manner, the child’s behavior changed quicker and was more sensitive to the interventions being administered.
Step 1 – Own your emotion
No doubt, if your child is struggling, you are going to be feeling some pretty strong emotions. Maybe you will be heated. Maybe you are going to feel depressed or a sense of hopelessness. This is totally normal! This is expected. You probably are also feeling anger and embarrassment if this is occurring in public. Step one is the process of self-reflection and identifying exactly how you are feeling. I like to do this both in and out of the moment. So, in the moment of chaos – how do you feel? Then ask yourself afterwards – how do you feel? Recognize it, own it, and know that your emotion is part of the equation.
Step 2 – Know your tendencies
When we are feeling strong emotions surrounding our child’s behavior, there are generally two types of responses. Which one are you? I’m totally a Fueler!
The Fueler: Your emotions are raging, and you fuel the fire of the situation with these strong emotions. The most common of these responses are yelling, reprimanding, and finger pointing. We use hand motions, act over-the-top, and we are meeting them where they are on the volume scale.
The Minimizer: You are over it. You are not in the business of dealing with this any longer. The most common of these responses are minimizing, threats of punishing, and eye-rolling. We are apathetic, defeated, and hopeless in our response.
Step 3 – Pause for peace
Responding out of a place of clear-headedness is vital in the behavior change process. It’s so needed that according to this study, if we get can get this right, many behavior concerns will correct itself. You see, when a child is in chaos, they often show their true colors to you because they feel safe. They know that they can be out of control, because they trust you to be the one in control. They trust that you are the one who will act as their stability. Of course, they don’t consciously think this way, but they intrinsically know it to be true. When their Mama reacts out of the abundance of her own strong emotion (that I’m sure you justifiably felt) their world is a little shaken. They are a bit thrown because they were expecting you to be their constant.
The opposite can also be true. Maybe they are not doing it because they are expecting you to be the stable one, but maybe they are actually after that reaction. This is also very common. Whether you identified with being the “fueler” or the “minimizer”, this could be the reaction they are seeking. Why they do this is for another post. In return though, if you are giving them that reaction that they are seeking– you will be encouraging the behavior to continue.
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Calm Mama Hacks
In both scenarios, responding in a calm and neutral tone is best. Responding as their constant stable security always is the answer. So, how do we stay calm when our insides are raging? Here are some of my favorite hacks that I like to recommend. Try doing some of these before responding next time …
- Pretend someone you look up to is in the room. How would you respond then?
- Anticipate they will not listen to anything you say. Any sort of compliance is a win.
- Take a quick break to get a piece of gum, take some deep breaths, and then come back to address the situation.
- Look at the time. Set a goal to have them calm in 10 minutes. Make it a game to see if you can do it.
- Set up a reward system for yourself! Tell yourself that for every behavior you deal with calmly you will get a point towards something you want to earn. It can be something super simple too, like a Starbucks?
Print your FREE 5 Mama cool down hacks RIGHT HERE!
Staying calm is hard! I also never want to oversimplify things. If your child is truly struggling, chances are that just remaining calm isn’t going to make all the problems melt away. I’m a realist. What I think this research was getting at though, was that staying calm really is the starting point. All interventions that we implement to stop the unwanted behavior is going to be pointless if we approach it while our emotions are wild. Let’s get control of ourselves, and then we can work on changing our child.
References:
Highlander, April, et al. “Clinical Presentation and Treatment of Early-Onset Behavior Disorders: The Role of Parent Emotion Regulation, Emotion Socialization, and Family Income.” Behavior Modification, vol. 46, no. 5, 2021, pp. 1047–1074., https://doi.org/10.1177/01454455211036001.