Everybody Wins
In a culture where everybody gets a trophy, this incident really stood out. I’m a proud Tae Kwan Doe Mama. If I’m honest, I actually don’t know much of martial arts at all. I grew up with many sports, but of course leave it to my son to pick the one thing I’m clueless about, ha! What I’ve gleaned in the past two or so years from watching is that the expectations are greater for each colored belt. You have a specific time to practice and train for the next set of skills, and then there is a belt test, where you have the opportunity to present those skills. If you meet the expectation, you receive a new colored belt, to display you moved up rank.
What is really neat though, is that they give you tips (basically colored tape at the end of your belt) for each of the 8 areas you will be trained on. If you get your tip, you know you passed that area in practice, and you have the confidence you can do it again when you get to the final belt test.
Drake started when he was just 3 years old, so in the beginning – pretty much everyone got a tip every time. As time has gone on though, the expectations continue to rise, and the achievement rate is no longer 100%. There are kids who do not earn tips, and there are times they do not move up. I have to be honest, it does kind of make my Mama heart hurt a bit. It’s brutal to watch. I put myself in the child’s shoes. I’m being asked to display my skill in front of all my peers, my teachers, and a stand full of watching parents. That’s pressure!
This past week they tested on balance. Spoiler alert – not Drake’s best skill. Wouldn’t you believe it though – he was only 3 of 15 kids that passed on their first try. OH, was I proud!! I was so very proud. I told him the entire way home how proud of him I was. It got me thinking though – what if he didn’t pass? How would I respond then? I watched the parents afterwards responding to their kids that didn’t pass, and they all approached it quite differently. You had parents that talked about practicing more that week. You had parents that got upset at the Master, and wanted a retest. You had parents that snuggled their kids as they cried. It got me thinking, how should I respond when Drake doesn’t pass?
Failure Stinks
The time will inevitably come when he doesn’t pass. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. Failing is a part of life, and as the Master of the school was informing the upset parent – sometimes they learn the most when they fail. It makes them stronger, more resilient, and driven. As Mama though, what is our role in that failure?
I think the answer is in the best (relatively unknown) Disney movie “Meet the Robinsons.” It’s a family favorite! The tagline they say again and again is “keep moving forward.” It’s a beautiful story of resilience. I believe that resilience comes from giving yourself grace. It comes from knowing that failure is a part of the process, and having a growth mindset that it was just an event, and not a character trait. You failed; you are not a failure. (If you missed it, there’s a whole post on this concept RIGHT HERE)
Self-Acceptance & Self-Esteem
I particularly enjoy the work done by psychologist, Albert Ellis. He did work in separating and defining self-acceptance and self-esteem. He describes that self-acceptance is understanding that there will be times that we fail and there will be times when we succeed. Self-acceptance is allowing ourselves to look at the circumstances as facts, and not as labels. So, in this scenario, self-acceptance would be viewing your skills and assessing what made you succeed or what made you fail the belt test. It would be recognizing what you could improve upon, and doing so in a non-judgmental way. Ellis describes self-esteem as assigning value and worth. Self-esteem is how we view and feel about ourselves. If we do not have a healthy self-acceptance, we will then see it represented in our self-esteem. People with low self-esteem do not always struggle with self-acceptance, but it could be a contributing factor. Self-acceptance allows for improvement and self-betterment. A healthy self-acceptance will naturally lead to higher levels of self-esteem. It will allow the failure to be an event for improvement, and not a crumbling event of self-worth. Want more examples? CLICK HERE
Our Response
So how should I respond when Drake fails his belt test?
- Recognize the emotion
Validate the feelings that come with failure. Each failure and person is unique in what emotion they experience in the moment (disappointment, sadness, frustration) Help him identify what emotional reaction he’s having. It’s not okay to cause a scene, be a bad sport, or be disrespectful – but it is okay to feel. He needs to hear that. - Focus on the facts
Talk specifically about what occurred. Do not allow for overgeneralization statements, “I’m not good”, “I always mess up”, or “I can’t do it”. Rather, be as specific and as non-personal as possible. “You were able to do 10 high kicks. Hmmm. We need to just figure out how we can do 5 more, so that we can do 15 high kicks without falling.” - Set a goal
We recently talked about LONG TERM GOALS which you can read HERE. There are many resources showing how setting goals helps breaks things down for kids, helping them learn quicker and have more fun in the process. I like to think of this as the “keep moving forward” step. Make a plan together (whether that be start practicing at home, watching help videos, getting more rest, etc.) and cheer them on along the way. Be a part of the improvement. - Praise character
In order to improve his self-esteem, I’m going to praise his character throughout it all. Use praise statements focused on who he is, instead of what he accomplished “I am so proud that you tried your best.” “My favorite part of practice today was watching you keep trying even when you didn’t meet the expectation.” These will be statements he remembers and holds on to. If he is only praised for winning or meeting expectations, he will innately believe he has disappointed me when he loses. - Give the Gospel
As the iconic song goes; “Jesus loves me! This I know, For the Bible tells me so; Little ones to Him belong; They are weak, but He is strong.” We miss the mark, and that is why we need the cross. Use this as an opportunity to talk about how dependent we are on Jesus Christ. How we need Him daily, and how His love for us never wavers. Even when we miss the mark, Jesus’ love for us remains. He loves us when we win, and he loves us when we lose. Jesus’ love is not dependent on us. If that is the only thing they learn from failure, I think it’s worth it.
Nobody wants to see their kids fail. It’s painful to watch, and it makes our Mama hearts hurt. We know deep down that its good for them, but it doesn’t take our emotion away. This week, I drove home one proud Mama. The day is coming, probably sooner rather than later, that he will not get the belt. Funny though, that will probably be the day he learns the most.
References:
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and personality psychology compass, 5(1), 1-12.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and personality psychology compass, 5(1), 1-12.; Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The relationship between self‐compassion and well‐being: A meta‐analysis. Applied Psychology: Health and Well‐Being, 7(3), 340- 364.
Williams, J. C., & Lynn, S. J. (2010). Acceptance: An historical and conceptual review. Imagination, cognition and personality, 30(1), 5-56.; Ryff, C.D., & Singer, B.H. (2008), Know thyself and become what you are: a eudaimonic approach to psychological well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies 9:13–39
Williams, J. C., & Lynn, S. J. (2010). Acceptance: An historical and conceptual review. Imagination, cognition and personality, 30(1), 5-56.
Ellis, A. (2007). How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable. CA: Impact Publishers
Williams, J. C., & Lynn, S. J. (2010). Acceptance: An historical and conceptual review. Imagination, cognition and personality, 30(1), 5-56.