I’m here to help!
There is no doubt that if one of your names is Mama, then you are a helper. You help them all day long. You help wake them up in the morning, brush their teeth, get dressed, make their breakfast, get their shoes on … I mean the morning list alone is endless. We help them most of our day. Even if your kid is older, you are still helping them with homework, be to school on time, remember their lunch money, etc. What I usually find super interesting though, is how we all help in different ways.
How can I help?
Let’s zero in on tying your shoes. I haven’t personally made it to this point yet (thank you Velcro) but all Mamas eventually need to teach this skill. I want you to stop and think about teaching your child to tie their shoes. If tasked with this new skill to teach, how would you do it? There are a few common approaches:
(1) Cheerleader: This is the Mama who is all about the verbal praise. She has the patience to keep cheering them on despite their whining about how haaaaaard it is. That won’t get her down. She will keep cheering them on telling them how smart they are, how much she believes in them, and how perseverance is the name of the game. She may not stop making lunches while cheering them on, but there is sincere and heartfelt praise that will motivate even the most defiant shoe-tyer.
(2) Watcher: This is the Mama who will stop what she is doing to help. She’s not going to help them remember the steps though. What she is going to do though is verbally correct them if they start to go astray. She is kind about it, but will watch more on the quiet side as they move through the steps slowly and systematically. She’s going to give pointers, and give them tips as they go.
(3) Hands-On: This is the Mama who wants to make sure they really have it. She gets on her knees and will show them step by step how to tie the shoe. She is more in teaching mode than encouraging mode. She looks at this as a problem to solve. You need to learn, and she needs to teach. So, like anything that needs to be taught, there is a lesson involved.
Out of these three Mama personas, which one would you say best describes the way you would teach shoe tying? (Don’t forget to download my FREEBIE on this at the end!)
I’ll take one of each, please!
I like to use this example, because usually we are a little bit of all three. We also may see one persona in the way we would teach shoe-tying, but another one when it comes to remembering how to take a bath. The real answer lies in the question, how competent are they in the shoe tying process? You see, research says that our kids actually need us to be all three of these personas when we teach. The key here is the order. I actually had them in reverse.
How to teach best
If we were to teach a new skill, we really should begin with being “hands-on”. This can be referred to in the literature as “most to least prompting.” What that means is that we need to help them in the beginning before they even have a chance to make a mistake, be confused, or give up. When they approach a new skill with you next to them, you will begin to build their confidence that they can tackle the problem because you are there to show and teach them. If you tend to have a kiddo that gives up easily or not like to try new things – that could be a warning light that you need to spend more time in this phase of the teaching process. Just remember, this is difficult and new for them. They don’t know how to do it best. Just like we would never expect them to just know what 2+2 = on their own without a lesson, we also cannot expect that they will know how to take a shower, make friends, or tie their shoes unless taught.
After we have put in the hard work of being “hands-on” and showing them how to do this thing, we then need to go into the assessment phase. This is what I coined in the term, “the Watcher.” I named it this because I see Mamas go wrong here. They want to jump in and help a little too quickly and a little too much during this phase. When you move to this phase, you are assessing how well they know the skill. You are encouraging and welcoming, not hovering and a drill sergeant. You can say things like, “I think you know it now, go ahead and show me how you’d start.” You are now assessing to see if they really have the skill.
Avoid the pitfalls
Lastly, please move on to the “cheerleader phase!” There are two big problems that occur if you don’t move onto this phase when time. First, if you hang out in the “hands-on phase” too long, you will inevitably create an attention monster. This is the kiddo that doesn’t know how to appropriately seek attention, and they will whine, refuse and act out to get it. They generally start developing these habits when doing tasks, and this causes Mama to then go into the “hands-on” phase. They do not need instruction, they want attention. This is not the time for attention though, this is the time to do a task. Moving onto the “cheerleader phase” at an appropriate time (after they truly have been taught and you assessed they know the skill) will provide them the verbal attention they need, without causing the attention monster to emerge. Side note: please know that even older kids have the attention monster emerge – it just looks a bit sneakier!
Secondly, if you hang out in the “watcher phase” too long then we develop task avoidance. This is when the child no longer wants to complete anything you say. This sometimes occurs because the “watcher phase” isn’t very comfortable for the child. It is supposed to be a short-term phase to assess for accuracy. If you stay here too long though, it just becomes hovering. This will ultimately cause for them to avoid the task completely.
The Takeaway
As always, I have a handy HOW TO TEACH visual here for you that summarizes these steps in a concise and easy-to-follow guide. Also, this is an area that I get most of my questions and consultations on. Mama cannot get their child to do (fill in the blank) and they reach out for help. You’d think it would be aggressive episodes, dangerous behavior, and school suspensions – but really the common problems lie in not brushing their teeth, wearing weather-appropriate clothes, or just following simple requests of Mom. If you ever need extra help, please REACH OUT TODAY. Also, don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to my newsletter to get weekly freebies and updates.
References:
Longino, Emily, et al. “The Effects of Mastery Criteria on Maintenance: A Replication with Most-to-Least Prompting.” Behavior Analysis in Practice, vol. 15, no. 2, 2021, pp. 397–405., https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-021-00562-y.